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How do I continue to live a lie? WARNING - This is not very uplifting..........
#1
“Just be yourself!!”


“Just be you and everything else does not matter.”

“Just make yourself happy.”

I have heard that for so many years from so many people and I don’t think people really realize what they are telling you to do.  Sometimes, being yourself can totally disrupt their lives.  Today…….I want to BE myself and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that “I WANT TO BE JENNIFER!!”  There…I said it.  I have never said these words in public and this is the closest I am willing to go in public…at least at this point.

I want to be a woman.  I want to live life as a woman.  But how can I?  How can I take the risk of hurting so many people that I love….both friends and family?  How does one decide to risk alienating yourself from the people that love and support you….supposedly??  How does one choose to risk being alone?

I was walking around my house today, en femme of course, and at one point I stopped and said to myself…I should have been born a girl.  Life would have been so much easier for me.  But I will never be a girl…not really.  Even if I have surgery to change my external appearance, I will never be a genetic girl……   But sometimes I so badly want it…to be magically transformed into a real woman…if only for a little while.

Why do I have these feelings?  What cosmic force in the universe decides that these particular people will be born and have feelings like these?  I obviously am not the only one or there wouldn’t be this website and others out there.  Why does this happen so much?  There are so many things to deal with in this world, why are we having to struggle with what gender our mind tells us we are and what gender our bodies show us we are?!?!?

I wish I had the answer for that.  I wish I could change something in my life.

Maybe I am just too far down the road of life to change course now.  Maybe if I had talked about this when I was younger, I could have changed the direction of my life.  But my life now affects too many people and to change direction at this stage would cause so much pain….. and so much heartache for so many people that I care about.  How can I do that to them?……..I am not willing to do that…….but….. I still struggle so much with being male.  Hence the dilemma.

I admire those who figured this out and I admire those who have the courage to chose life on their terms.  I wish I had that courage.  I wish I had made some different choices when I was younger……….I wish I was born a girl…………  But what has wishing ever gotten anyone?

Everyone’s circumstances are different and I understand that.  For me and the circumstances that surround my life, I guess I will continue to live a lie…if nothing else to protect the people I love.
Jennifer  Heart  
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#2
Thank you for sharing Stephanie. Your words have a great deal of impact on my thoughts right now, but the very last line in your second reply really hits home. That is why I have never really opened up about this before...."not wanting to hurt the people who are close to me." You stated it precisely. Hurting those who are close to me has not and is not a road I am willing to go down.
Thank you again for listening and caring. It means a lot.
Jennifer  Heart  
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#3
Jennifer, you continue to inspire...I just want to thank you for putting it out there so bravely. I know you feel the support.

Michelle
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#4
(06-25-2018, 05:50 AM)JenniferIN Wrote: Thank you for sharing Stephanie.  Your words have a great deal of impact on my thoughts right now, but the very last line in your second reply really hits home.  That is why I have never really opened up about this before...."not wanting to hurt the people who are close to me."  You stated it precisely.  Hurting those who are close to me has not and is not a road I am willing to go down.
Thank you again for listening and caring.  It means a lot.

To both Jennifer & Stephanie, reading your posts sure hits close to home. It wouldn't be so hard for me if the two extremes were closer together, but hurting the family I have that i love is the polar opposite to being the woman I need to be. The woman that wants to have a man in her life, to love her and for her to take care of her man. They are polar opposites for me and are balanced because they are so far apart, and are each equally important to me. Some days I wake up and just want to roll over and kiss him good morning. To feel his arms around me when i am down in the dumps. To kiss me goodbye as he goes off on his day. Oh gawd, I'm going to cry. i have to go....

Michelle
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#5
Hello Jennifer,
You and I are such kindred spirits.  I pretty much say the same thing in my bio in my profile as AnnePreuss in CrossDresserHeaven.com.  Sometimes I just toss and turn in bed at night, anguishing over what/who I am and who I want to be.  If I could just snap my fingers and instantly turn myself into Anne, I would do it in a heartbeat.  I can't reveal these feelings to my family.  It would devastate them.  I love them too much to risk severing relationships with my children and risk losing contact with my grandchildren.  Is this just a cruel joke that God has played on some of us?  It's not as if we can instantly turn off these feelings.  It truly is tormenting to go on day after day like this.   How different life would be if I would have embraced my femininity years ago.  No marriage, no children, no grandchildren.   Would that have been a better life?  Why couldn't I have been born female Anne and enjoyed all those same things?   My message is not an uplifting one to you but I want you to know that you are not alone.  The best we can do is make lemonade out of the lemons and enjoy life as best we can...which mean dress when you can when you are closeted like me.  If we are meant to be reborn to a new life, I sure hope that means I get to be Anne in the next one.
Heart 
Anne
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#6
(12-19-2018, 08:34 AM)Anne Wrote: Hello Jennifer,
You and I are such kindred spirits.  I pretty much say the same thing in my bio in my profile as AnnePreuss in CrossDresserHeaven.com.  Sometimes I just toss and turn in bed at night, anguishing over what/who I am and who I want to be.  If I could just snap my fingers and instantly turn myself into Anne, I would do it in a heartbeat.  I can't reveal these feelings to my family.  It would devastate them.  I love them too much to risk severing relationships with my children and risk losing contact with my grandchildren.  Is this just a cruel joke that God has played on some of us?  It's not as if we can instantly turn off these feelings.  It truly is tormenting to go on day after day like this.   How different life would be if I would have embraced my femininity years ago.  No marriage, no children, no grandchildren.   Would that have been a better life?  Why couldn't I have been born female Anne and enjoyed all those same things?   My message is not an uplifting one to you but I want you to know that you are not alone.  The best we can do is make lemonade out of the lemons and enjoy life as best we can...which mean dress when you can when you are closeted like me.  If we are meant to be reborn to a new life, I sure hope that means I get to be Anne in the next one.
Heart 
Anne

Anne,

I hear ya sister.  I know this is a struggle for all of us.  We are in a constant battle between our male and female sides and there are good days and bad days.  This post was obviously created during one of those bad days for me.  I posted this on CDH too and everyone there and everyone here have been so supportive.  The theme among all of the responses is acceptance.  Acceptance of who we are.  Acceptance of the fact that we will continue to struggle.  Acceptance that these feelings will probably never go away.  At least this is how I am defining the acceptance issue.  Defining it for my situation.

Since this post and several wonderful conversations with gurls here, I have been good.  I still struggle but the simple fact that I can talk to everyone here helps....it helps a lot.  It is nice to be able to share the feelings and realize, like many of you have said, that I am not alone.  While I do not wish these feelings and struggles on anyone, the fact that there are others who understand, makes life a little bit easier.  I want to thank you and everyone for that.

I do know what the future holds.  I know that I cannot hurt the people in my life with coming out of the closet.  Even though CD and trans is more and more becoming accepted In society, I do not see that as an option for me.  So I will not burden the people I care about with my struggles and cause more stress for them.  I will hold onto for myself and share with my friends here.

I thank you and everyone for the help you have provided to me.  I hope I can repay the kindness at some point.

Hugs to you all.
Jen

(12-18-2018, 08:37 AM)MichelleL Wrote:
(06-25-2018, 05:50 AM)JenniferIN Wrote: Thank you for sharing Stephanie.  Your words have a great deal of impact on my thoughts right now, but the very last line in your second reply really hits home.  That is why I have never really opened up about this before...."not wanting to hurt the people who are close to me."  You stated it precisely.  Hurting those who are close to me has not and is not a road I am willing to go down.
Thank you again for listening and caring.  It means a lot.

To both Jennifer & Stephanie, reading your posts sure hits close to home. It wouldn't be so hard for me if the two extremes were closer together, but hurting the family I have that i love is the polar opposite to being the woman I need to be. The woman that wants to have a man in her life, to love her and for her to take care of her man. They are polar opposites for me and are balanced because they are so far apart, and are each equally important to me. Some days I wake up and just want to roll over and kiss him good morning. To feel his arms around me when i am down in the dumps. To kiss me goodbye as he goes off on his day. Oh gawd, I'm going to cry. i have to go....

Michelle


Michelle,

Like Stephanie said...you have friends here.  After a few conversations here, I have more good days.  I think it is simply being able to talk about it.  We know the struggle....at least we know it from our point of view.  I hope you smile and laugh more than you cry.  Friends are here.

Hugs
Jen
Jennifer  Heart  
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#7
As I wrote somewhere on the forum, my first experience of the conflict many of us suffer was at about 4 years old and it has been a lifelong companion. Before many of you were born, probably, Dick Cavett, an old, high class talk show host, had a famous British writer named James Morris, a married man with children, on his show, who was in the process of transitioning to Jan Morris. Cavett later had Jan on the show after the transition. Jan wrote a well received, serious book on her whole experience called "Conundrum". In about 1972, the time of his transition, I looked up the book in the library, scanned it, and put it back, fearful of what effect it might have on me. During this latest "I have an inner woman" storm, one of the things I've done is bought a copy online. It is widely available on Alibris, my favorite site, and Amazon. I have to warn you I haven't read it yet; but I can tell you Jan Morris, now 92 years old, has had a very successful career as a writer and lecturer and is widely respected. I am expecting she will have a lot to say about a lot of things that matter to us.

Hugs
Stacia
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#8
(12-22-2018, 11:00 AM)Stacia Wrote: As I wrote somewhere on the forum, my first experience of the conflict many of us suffer was at about 4 years old and it has been a lifelong companion. Before many of you were born, probably, Dick Cavett, an old, high class talk show host, had a famous British writer named James Morris, a married man with children, on his show, who was in the process of transitioning to Jan Morris. Cavett later had Jan on the show after the transition. Jan wrote a well received, serious book on her whole experience called "Conundrum". In about 1972, the time of his transition, I looked up the book in the library, scanned it, and put it back, fearful of what effect it might have on me. During this latest "I have an inner woman" storm, one of the things I've done is bought a copy online. It is widely available on Alibris, my favorite site, and Amazon. I have to warn you I haven't read it yet; but I can tell you Jan Morris, now 92 years old, has had a very successful career as a writer and lecturer and is widely respected. I am expecting she will have a lot to say about a lot of things that matter to us.

Hugs
Stacia

Thank you for sharing that Stacia.
Heart 
Anne
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#9
(12-22-2018, 11:00 AM)Stacia Wrote: As I wrote somewhere on the forum, my first experience of the conflict many of us suffer was at about 4 years old and it has been a lifelong companion. Before many of you were born, probably, Dick Cavett, an old, high class talk show host, had a famous British writer named James Morris, a married man with children, on his show, who was in the process of transitioning to Jan Morris. Cavett later had Jan on the show after the transition. Jan wrote a well received, serious book on her whole experience called "Conundrum". In about 1972, the time of his transition, I looked up the book in the library, scanned it, and put it back, fearful of what effect it might have on me. During this latest "I have an inner woman" storm, one of the things I've done is bought a copy online. It is widely available on Alibris, my favorite site, and Amazon. I have to warn you I haven't read it yet; but I can tell you Jan Morris, now 92 years old, has had a very successful career as a writer and lecturer and is widely respected. I am expecting she will have a lot to say about a lot of things that matter to us.

Hugs
Stacia

Stacia
Thank you for sharing.  I am ordering the book now.
Jennifer  Heart  
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#10
Good morning ladies. Last night I was watching a video on YouTube, and at the end of the video the 'author' said something along the lines of, 'in life it's not 'The End', but 'The And''. And he is right. It's not the 'end' of anything, the the 'and' of another chapter opening in our lives. Another chapter in the story of our lives. Another chapter to open, explore, embrace, author ourselves, and show the world the true 'us'. And each of our stories is always a best seller to those that can care about us, to love us, and to embrace who we truly are. And those that don't, well........ Heart  Michelle
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