Beginnings

[Jirra]

I guess I should tell everyone my beginnings...
As a kid I used to raid my parents closet and I'd try on my mothers clothes and wigs as much as I could. As I grew up, I could sometimes fit into my sisters as well. That sister was a HUGE tomboy, and by the time I was around 10-12, I was openly saying I wished she and I could change genders. We'd both be happier. That was in the mid to late 70's.
As I grew into adulthood, I really missed the opportunity to dress, so much so, that when I'd go home to visit, I'd sneak into my younger sisters room and try on their clothes while they were out. I eventually started buying pieces and makeup here and there and would dress at home when I was alone. I was dying to try going out dressed, but I was petrified! I was married and had kids by then and my wife was totally turned off by it all.
Finally about 12 years ago or so, I couldn't handle it anymore and began seeing a therapist and was diagnosed as transgender. My wife threatened to leave me, with the kids due to it and so, I again caved in and put my true self back in the closet.
Come 2015, all of my kids had finally grown up and moved out. Just my wife and I lived at home. The desire grew intensely to the point that by summer, I was in a deep depression and crying daily. Thoughts of wanting to end it all became an almost daily occurrence. By October, I'd found out more info, about the Transgender Services at U of M, About Janet's Closet and about Transgender issues in general.
The 3rd week of October had found me having talked to U of M, having joined a support group, and ready for the big moment of coming back out of the closet and telling my wife. I made an appointment for makeup at Janet's Closet, packed my bag with some clothes and headed up there from my home in Ohio.
Roxi was extremely kind to me and helped me pick out an outfit from my clothes, select a wig and do my makeup. On my way home, I had my nails done at a small nail salon and went home and confronted my wife in full "Jirra" mode. It didn't go well, but it hasn't stopped me.
I've since been out (dressed) to the Detroit TG Invasion in November, I've found a therapist and drive back and forth dressed to those appointments, and to the support group and just recently, spent a full week during my time off work at the holidays as Jirra 24/7! I finally found an inner peace that I never had before! I was able to spend time as the REAL me! 
After that week, I had an appointment with my therapist and a psychiatrist. I was approved for HRT! I went to my PCP and his office referred me to an Endocrinologist! Hopefully I can get in soon! I've pulled the paperwork for my Legal Name Change and for my Gender Change on my Drivers License (Possible in Ohio!) I'm hoping to fully transition by Easter 2016! 
My wife is totally against this all, and stated that we will not survive as a married couple (after over 27 years) due to this if I continue towards transition. But, I have to be true to myself. I've waited nearly 50 years to be the real me! And I waited until the kids were grown, and on their own. Time to be true to myself.
I know I still have a hard, long journey ahead... and I want to thank everyone who's helped me so far, and those who will in the future. And to Roxi and everyone at Janet's Closet! They've helped me make it this far and I will be there for things in the future too!
To everyone else... Be true to yourself. You deserve it and can only make your life more rich and full!

[Jirra]

Thank you Colleen :-)

[Ryan]

Hi Jirra,
First, congratulations on finding your true self. I echo Colleen sentiments. I to am struggling. I've gone back and forth with crossdressing and the thought of wanting to transition. Back and forth, because I'm afraid of not being accepted, mostly by people that I care about most. I'm 36 yrs old. I'm an only child, and I had tried on my mom's lingerie several times, when I was 12 and 13. But in thinking about things, I've had feminine feelings since I was about 7 years old. But at the time, even now, crossdressing and transgender issues weren't widely discussed, so I never said anything, up until this year when I started telling some people in my life whom I trust, how I feel.

I know that, I won't feel truly happy unless I come out and say that I want to live as a woman, and that's on me. And I know that.
I wish you well in your journey. And congratulate you on finding, you.

~Rian~

[Jirra]

Thanks Rian!

Those issues weren't talked about when I was younger either, and it took a lot of time, crossdressing on and off, and struggling with my feelings for many years to come to this decision.

I've been very worried about how those I love feel. My wife will be a casualty of all this. And I will lose my sisters and not sure about my father. 2 of my 3 kids are okay with this though. For me, it came down to the point of wither going through with it, or being so miserable, I wouldn't have cared if I was even alive anymore. Everyone has their own unique story. I wish you well on your journey Rian!

Jirra

[Nicole]

Welcome to the forum and I offer my apologies for not having welcomed you sooner.

Let me begin by commenting on what you refer to as your 'beginnings'… and say that I echo both Colleen and Rian and offer you my warmest and sincere thanks for sharing and that you are able to embark more fully on your journey. I would have to say that what you describe of your early years is probably quite similar to what most of us have experienced. The early forage in either a sister's or mother's drawers of intimates. The sneaking and then the almost impossible task of trying to return said drawer back to its pre-invaded self. lol

I to am an only child and the fear of disappointing my parents, mostly my dad, had/has kept me from revealing myself. I to am married with grown children and until very recently my 'Nicole' self has been very hidden. Only recently have I revealed myself to my eldest daughter and my closest friend. My friend was easy, as he is gay and is most accepting of alternate lifestyles. Though he does chuckle when he sees me in full fem mode. He just never imagined that I could/would be so feminine… body language, walk, gestures etc. I am actually quite pleased with how both he and my daughter interact with me the few times that we have been out.

Though this is new for me to be more 'out' now… this is not my first rodeo. I am an IT contractor and have spent much of my years out of town. As you might suspect, I grew to be quite able at finding like minded people and support groups… even when I was in Austin TX…probably the most red-necked place that I have worked. But there has now been almost a 10 year gap in working out of town and I have become quite restless and wanting. 

I haven't quite yet decided to approach the wife with my fem needs, though I am looking to get a place of my own here in the next several months. I do try to get enough Nicole time though to keep my inner demons at bay. Though that is becoming more difficult as time goes by… meaning, I am not getting any younger. lol

Again, I want to thank you for sharing. Your story and perspective and personal soul bearing is in my opinion a great vent to help release some of your own inner demons and I personally find it rewarding in chatting and sharing some of my opinions and thoughts with you and others.

I must say that I have met a new best friend within this forum in Colleen. She and I share quite a bit via private messaging. I find that also to be very therapeutic… until she and I discuss wardrobe. lol I will leave that an open ended and unanswered discussion that you are encourage to discuss with her. lol

I hope that you find what you are most looking for in your journey and I want to encourage you to share with us as your comfort level will allow. I find great strength is gained when I am able to read what others of us are going through.

P.S. I love Roxy and her makeup skills. She is a great personality with a fantastic eye that seems to know just the right look for me! I am sure that you must feel quite the same.
 
Stay strong and keep to your path,
Hugs 
Nicole
xxxx