10-06-2015, 06:40 AM
Hello soul sisters...My name is Polly Hyres...I am a soon to be 40 year old trans-parent father of two girls...I have never been much of a father, and my family is currently facing what appears to be an overwhelming trans-sition because of my confusion and inability to figure out who I am and what I want/need. My soon to be ex has not exactly made our family-raising journey together fun or smooth. Her apparent inability to figure out her needs and desires have just added to my stress/confusion/& insecurity over the years. I won't go into all the messy details (at least not here and now), but I will say that my situation is quickly becoming desperate. I will soon be forced into making rash decisions to survive that will likely delay my transition (and my daughters' security/happiness) indefinitely...I know we've all got our sob stories, it seems T-gurls and boyz just have an innate socially challenged predisposition and not very much support in helping overcome the stereotypes that define us (again not wanting to get sidetracked too far, but worth a brief mentioning here that it is insane to define/pigeon hole an entire gender - let alone more than 2 - based on the physical attributes we are born with)...Anyway back to my story. I have always known I do not fit any particular gender identity or sexuality. I do not remember much about my childhood, but I know it was not very structured and I was allowed sexual freedoms that should probably be defined as abusive (abuse through neglect)...one clear memory is looking at my dad's porno mags right in front of my parents at age 5...I grew up with the disturbing (but for me natural and normal) thoughts that I'm sure have plagued many of you (even if you don't want to admit it). The "stereotypical thoughts" that mainstream society uses to shame, humiliate, and define us - thoughts of pedophilia, incest, beastiality, etc. Out of shame I tried to bury these thoughts and was anxious to live a "happy, normal" life, so at 19, I found me a girl, knocked her up, got married and it's all been downhill since. To keep a long story short (if it's not already too late), my wife suffered post-partum depression after our first child was born. This resulted in an inadequate sex life. Still being very young, viral, and confused, I allowed myself to be carried away in/by my thoughts and fantasies engaging quite actively in extramarital affairs (perputuating the stereotypes I have grown to despise, yet understand). When she finally caught me, and the time was ripe to find myself, of course I was so shameful and guilty of my morally reprehensible behavior that I once again buried everything down and attempted to man up and become the father I'd convinced myself that I wanted to be. A couple years went by, semi-smooth, of course my wife never missed an opportunity to drive the guilt in further by reminding me of all I'd put her through, and when our sex life (which was already lackluster still never reaching anywhere close to acceptable) again dwindled to nothing, we separated, both exploring other options, and I joined the army. Not to say I was completely devoted to her while serving, things did improve between us again. Whe I returned home full time, we still couldn't find the balance we both needed and lived separatly off and on always remaining friends with benefits (although it had always been infrequent, it had also always been amazing). During one of our trysts about 7 years ago now, our youngest daughter was conceived. Altough we have been living together as a family full time since, we do not act or think as one. Our daughter's conception was the last time we were intimate (I did suck one limp dick while she was still pregnate, but have been abstinent since moving back in with her in August (?) 2009 a couple months before the birth). Fast forward 5 long, unloving years. After her father's death in May of 2014 she revealed she had been seeing someone for about 6 months. At that point I still wanted to make things right, especially for the girls, and we attempted to make some home/living moves that turned out very bad indeed. Again to move things along we are now in a position where we are living in a house being forclosed on. We have no funds and really no hope or plans other than that when finally forced to leave we WILL be going our seperate directions for good. We will remain friends and work together for the girls sake, but there will be no benefits or reconcilliation this time. I have grown a lot during my abstinence. It has allowed me to look beyond my addictions, my fetishes, fantasies, and obsessions, and as my entire world is in transition and turmoil anyway, this is a perfect time to define my sexuality and become the mother I probably should have been all along. This is a second chance for my girls and I. A fresh start with endless possibilities. Unfortunately there is so much baggage dragged along that it is overwhelming even trying to start sorting it all. Even more unfortunate is that the sorting needs to be not only started, but done in about 3 weeks. I NEED HELP. I have a lot of ideas about where to go, but no resources or confidence to make anything happen. To make matters worse I am very shy and introverted and tend to make a very poor impression often coming across as more clingy and desperate than I actually am (although I'm not sure how that is even possible). So there it is, take it for what it's worth. I am here looking for help and support from my sisters that have survived their journeys and for others who could use my assisrance and support - at least as much as I can give while getting my own shit strà ighted out and house in order. If you've stayed with me this long there must be a reason, and I am on my knees begging anyone for a helping hand...NOT A HANDOUT - A HAND UP). I have a business proposition for anyone interested, especially Janet since it appears you are very successful and in a unique position to help. I hope to hear back from others soon (given my time constraints) but I intend on being here with or without help and hope my story and openness to share this entire journey as it unfolds inspires others to join and share. Bless you all dear sisters... may love and success find a home in your hearts.