01-08-2017, 03:34 AM
I was still with a very feminine mind but from that point forward and to this day I remained silent and profoundly private about my feelings. I am, without a doubt, one of the best person you will ever met to share a secret. I never broke silence over anyone of my friend’s secret and I am proud of it. So time went on and I tried very hard to be a boy but from time to time my memory and mostly in bed at night I would catch myself thinking and dreaming in pink. As the years went buy I managed to buy some clothe, a very cute pair of thong sandals (easier to fold and hide), make up, etc through several means and would hide around our large house. My world became the most secretive thing you could imagine so I have never talked or discussed this with anyone in my entire life, although I tried. Many times I would be so miserable that I would tip toe to the laundry room and grab a camisole or some other feminine clothe at the bottom of the basket, lock my door and put it on so I could fall asleep. I also would put on panties and pantyhose to school under my uniform but was mortified of being discovered so I only enjoyed few moments on it. I had a cousin, Laura that I think she knew. She would always offer girly things to me when we were playing or hanging out but I could never showed too much interest even though deep inside of me I was dying to have it...We never talked about it but I think she knew and she is alive and I always wonder if one day we will talk about it.
As I grew up, I made sure that I had to change my body so in addition to martial arts I started with swimming and weight lifting and all that. I thought that by puffing up I could erase those feminine marks and when I look in the mirror today I think I did a good job... Throughout my ups and downs I always made sure that I would do something to my body to make it more masculine so I fought my feelings but was never able to kill it more than a few days. I basically learned to live in this conflict back and forth. Off course, I managed to have always kept a nice little wardrobe of beautiful and feminine clothing just in case. I was only happy when I was dressed as a woman but never really happy with my body and surroundings.
Fast forward in time, I married my best friend whom I knew had been sexually abused and absolutely hated sex. But she was my best friend and I told her I would take care of her and have been doing that ever since. We used to talk for hours and hours…She and I were tighter than anyone you can imagine. No TV or other distractions but just talking, having a good meal, doing things together and chatting about her things and my life so we became very, very close. Our family is pretty happy and we have a daughter and a son that are the most wonderful things in our lives. I literally have more than I deserve and consider myself a blessed woman, I mean, man.
A couple of years ago in 2010 my wife found out that I was cross-dressing by seen on my computer several tabs opened on shoes, clothing, jewelry, wigs, etc that I accidently left opened on my computer for minutes as I went to the bathroom and it was nuclear World War III. She was so mad, so upset and so irate that it was certainly my second worst and saddest day of my life. She was unrecognizable. She acted as if I had done to her what a terrorist would do to an innocent woman. She went on and on telling how bad I was and how I had destroyed her. “How could you have done this to me?” was the phrase she repeated over and over again. I wanted to die. I expected anything in my life but that day. My friend was gone...My mind was going a thousand miles an hour, thinking: “She is gonna leave me!!! I lost my kids!!!...She is gonna tell the world…No, not again!!! It is so hard to put it in words but I was literally torn into pieces. I was in such a bad shape and under such a stress that two days later I checked in the ER with extremely high blood pressure that blurred my vision and almost made me cause an accident on the highway. I was in the hospital for three days and blamed it on work-load. That turned out to be a blessing because I managed to stay by myself those three days so I could breathe.
I remember waking up in the hospital and this nurse, blond, in her 40s or so with this incredible smile. She spoke with me and told me I had slept for 16 hours and I was fine. We spoke for a while, told her about “personal problems” and I thought she was an amazing woman and felt compelled to confess to her my transgender dream story. Cowardly, I did not share my secrets, left the hospital and never saw her again but never forgot that smile. She looked like an angel.
I had to go back home. That was difficult as I did not know what to expect. She didn’t say a word but she didn’t have to. Not once she asked or talked about me, my feelings, my past or even tried to understand although I tried to tell her my story. From that day forward she has listened with her tongue, always talking back so I felt my heart closing more and more until I was silent and did not respond anything, to any more questions. We didn’t spoke at all for over a week. To this day, we haven’t spoken once about it nor had a follow up discussion. At least I thought she would be able to listen considering she also has a secret story and I was the only person that helped her through it all. But it was as if she and I had not shared any secrets at all. Very strange but devastating feeling to me as I re-lived some of my horrors as a kid…
I moved all my clothes, shoes, make up, etc into a storage close to my work (hour and a half commute) and have been absolutely miserable ever since. We are now distant and almost formal. Now I cannot talk to her anymore either so my hope for someone to listen and understand at the age of 50 is gone…Once in a while, I take a busy work day and stay at a hotel and then I dress up just to make me happy for a little bit but my dreams are not as pink as they used to be.
Because of my wife’s condition, we have absolutely no intimate relations so I have learned to suppress any desires or fantasies of dressing as a woman in the bedroom as our physical relation is less exciting than two strange roommates. Not an easy thing for an Italian as you may imagine…but I keep myself busy just to get my mind away. So my life has been working and taking care of my family. Since she also has back problems at the age of 40 (I’m 10 yrs older), in addition to work full time I do the laundry, take care of the house, yard and pretty much everything else and I am happy to do it. Divorce has never crossed my mind although she has spoken about it a couple of times she has changed her mind just as quickly.
After that incident I decided to take care of myself as I was once again…alone. However this time, I decided to reverse my years of body neglect since I was very overweight. I already lost 60 lbs and have another 70 to go. My idea is to look better, find courage and go to a transformation salon and get some professional help and learn what I can do to look like a woman and go from there. But I am not sure I would be able to do this alone since I have never had a MTF transgender friend (one of my dreams) that I cold lean on. I don’t like man at all and many manly things I simply find it repulsive. Had I been born a real woman, I would definitely be a lesbian as nothing masculine is really attractive to me. I have seen many transformation sites and even went to three or four of them but never really had the courage or felt a connection with the place so you have no idea the amount of respect I have for transgender women and crossdressers. I am terrified of going public but now I am yearning to live as a woman even if it is from time to time so I am working on my MTF transformation dream. Last year, I took 3 days off from work, checked in in a nice hotel and lived as a woman the entire time and had such a ball I don’t understand why some wives would not encourage, support and love their husbands. For now crossdressing has this ability to get the best out of me, bring my soft side, I become more sensitive. It would be wonderful to be able to share that with the person you love and in the process receive so much more in love, attention and bonding. Women out there do not have an idea of such a positive impact would have in their relationship if they would embrace and encourage their crossdressing husbands. I guarantee they would be shocked with the improvement in their husbands as ostracizing will do nothing but kill any person little by little. Our feminine side is not a dirty thought but an intimate revelation of a beautiful side that is soft and tender so please ladies, love your husbands.
Transitioning into a real woman has never left my mind. My dream now is to have a MTF transgender friend I could talk to and share my inner thoughts and feelings. Just having a real great friendship where we can give each other the best of us with no limits, barriers or fears on sharing our ideas. This is the first time I share my story but as a good Italian I love to talk and laugh. So if you are looking for a wonderful friend, I am too so I would love to hear from you. My e-mail is [email protected].
From the bottom of my heart,
Lilly.
As I grew up, I made sure that I had to change my body so in addition to martial arts I started with swimming and weight lifting and all that. I thought that by puffing up I could erase those feminine marks and when I look in the mirror today I think I did a good job... Throughout my ups and downs I always made sure that I would do something to my body to make it more masculine so I fought my feelings but was never able to kill it more than a few days. I basically learned to live in this conflict back and forth. Off course, I managed to have always kept a nice little wardrobe of beautiful and feminine clothing just in case. I was only happy when I was dressed as a woman but never really happy with my body and surroundings.
Fast forward in time, I married my best friend whom I knew had been sexually abused and absolutely hated sex. But she was my best friend and I told her I would take care of her and have been doing that ever since. We used to talk for hours and hours…She and I were tighter than anyone you can imagine. No TV or other distractions but just talking, having a good meal, doing things together and chatting about her things and my life so we became very, very close. Our family is pretty happy and we have a daughter and a son that are the most wonderful things in our lives. I literally have more than I deserve and consider myself a blessed woman, I mean, man.
A couple of years ago in 2010 my wife found out that I was cross-dressing by seen on my computer several tabs opened on shoes, clothing, jewelry, wigs, etc that I accidently left opened on my computer for minutes as I went to the bathroom and it was nuclear World War III. She was so mad, so upset and so irate that it was certainly my second worst and saddest day of my life. She was unrecognizable. She acted as if I had done to her what a terrorist would do to an innocent woman. She went on and on telling how bad I was and how I had destroyed her. “How could you have done this to me?” was the phrase she repeated over and over again. I wanted to die. I expected anything in my life but that day. My friend was gone...My mind was going a thousand miles an hour, thinking: “She is gonna leave me!!! I lost my kids!!!...She is gonna tell the world…No, not again!!! It is so hard to put it in words but I was literally torn into pieces. I was in such a bad shape and under such a stress that two days later I checked in the ER with extremely high blood pressure that blurred my vision and almost made me cause an accident on the highway. I was in the hospital for three days and blamed it on work-load. That turned out to be a blessing because I managed to stay by myself those three days so I could breathe.
I remember waking up in the hospital and this nurse, blond, in her 40s or so with this incredible smile. She spoke with me and told me I had slept for 16 hours and I was fine. We spoke for a while, told her about “personal problems” and I thought she was an amazing woman and felt compelled to confess to her my transgender dream story. Cowardly, I did not share my secrets, left the hospital and never saw her again but never forgot that smile. She looked like an angel.
I had to go back home. That was difficult as I did not know what to expect. She didn’t say a word but she didn’t have to. Not once she asked or talked about me, my feelings, my past or even tried to understand although I tried to tell her my story. From that day forward she has listened with her tongue, always talking back so I felt my heart closing more and more until I was silent and did not respond anything, to any more questions. We didn’t spoke at all for over a week. To this day, we haven’t spoken once about it nor had a follow up discussion. At least I thought she would be able to listen considering she also has a secret story and I was the only person that helped her through it all. But it was as if she and I had not shared any secrets at all. Very strange but devastating feeling to me as I re-lived some of my horrors as a kid…
I moved all my clothes, shoes, make up, etc into a storage close to my work (hour and a half commute) and have been absolutely miserable ever since. We are now distant and almost formal. Now I cannot talk to her anymore either so my hope for someone to listen and understand at the age of 50 is gone…Once in a while, I take a busy work day and stay at a hotel and then I dress up just to make me happy for a little bit but my dreams are not as pink as they used to be.
Because of my wife’s condition, we have absolutely no intimate relations so I have learned to suppress any desires or fantasies of dressing as a woman in the bedroom as our physical relation is less exciting than two strange roommates. Not an easy thing for an Italian as you may imagine…but I keep myself busy just to get my mind away. So my life has been working and taking care of my family. Since she also has back problems at the age of 40 (I’m 10 yrs older), in addition to work full time I do the laundry, take care of the house, yard and pretty much everything else and I am happy to do it. Divorce has never crossed my mind although she has spoken about it a couple of times she has changed her mind just as quickly.
After that incident I decided to take care of myself as I was once again…alone. However this time, I decided to reverse my years of body neglect since I was very overweight. I already lost 60 lbs and have another 70 to go. My idea is to look better, find courage and go to a transformation salon and get some professional help and learn what I can do to look like a woman and go from there. But I am not sure I would be able to do this alone since I have never had a MTF transgender friend (one of my dreams) that I cold lean on. I don’t like man at all and many manly things I simply find it repulsive. Had I been born a real woman, I would definitely be a lesbian as nothing masculine is really attractive to me. I have seen many transformation sites and even went to three or four of them but never really had the courage or felt a connection with the place so you have no idea the amount of respect I have for transgender women and crossdressers. I am terrified of going public but now I am yearning to live as a woman even if it is from time to time so I am working on my MTF transformation dream. Last year, I took 3 days off from work, checked in in a nice hotel and lived as a woman the entire time and had such a ball I don’t understand why some wives would not encourage, support and love their husbands. For now crossdressing has this ability to get the best out of me, bring my soft side, I become more sensitive. It would be wonderful to be able to share that with the person you love and in the process receive so much more in love, attention and bonding. Women out there do not have an idea of such a positive impact would have in their relationship if they would embrace and encourage their crossdressing husbands. I guarantee they would be shocked with the improvement in their husbands as ostracizing will do nothing but kill any person little by little. Our feminine side is not a dirty thought but an intimate revelation of a beautiful side that is soft and tender so please ladies, love your husbands.
Transitioning into a real woman has never left my mind. My dream now is to have a MTF transgender friend I could talk to and share my inner thoughts and feelings. Just having a real great friendship where we can give each other the best of us with no limits, barriers or fears on sharing our ideas. This is the first time I share my story but as a good Italian I love to talk and laugh. So if you are looking for a wonderful friend, I am too so I would love to hear from you. My e-mail is [email protected].
From the bottom of my heart,
Lilly.
