01-08-2017, 03:30 AM
Since I was a child, I have dealt with gender identification issues. From about the age of 5 or 6 years forward I always gravitating to feminine things. My eyes and heart simply glittered on girls anything. The interesting part is that my mom was the one that actually always supported me in that direction. She was a young mom, I had feminine figures like feminine legs and nice butt shape, long hair and actually long eye lashes. I grew up with several girls in my family and friends having developed an outgoing and great talent for relationships with my friends I carry with me to this day. I just love people.
Growing up I was fascinated to anything that was girly and feminine. From very young age I tried my mom’s clothes and had a very feminine mind. However I was raised in a happy Italian family where those feelings were naturally suppressed so I kept them for myself while acted as a normal boy for everyone else. But my mom was the interesting person in my story. I felt that she gave me all the support I wanted and she caught me several times in her dresses, pantyhose and even doing my nails with pink soft soap during a bath. She always used to tell her girlfriends: “Look at those legs (mine)…if he was a girl he would be a knock out.” Their friends would come back and make comments on my hair or eye lashes so I was indulged and flattered. Inside, I felt great and couldn’t wait to be home alone with the servants so I could lock myself in mom’s bedroom and have a girl party with her rich wardrobe. I actually developed a very methodical memorization method so I could leave everything exactly where it was. Never missed it and to this day that serves me well…
When my mom wanted to go to the mall for shopping I always volunteered to go along while my brother would be happy to stay behind. I got to spend great time with my mom and her girlfriends and naturally dreaming over the lingerie, dresses, make up and all those wonderful heels and sandals. The visual of make up booths, the soft fragrance and the imagination of being in a chair indulged with manicure and pedicure was like Disney to me. In fact, the smell of the nail salon is still in my memory and how happy I was to be there. I just felt like one of them…
Actually I remember vividly on one occasion when my mom was trying some dresses. She brought into the changing room a couple of baby dolls, a peignoir, a dress, etc. I was sitting there like a good girl inside the changing room and would manage to touch that silky fabric and having this chill moving up my entire body as if we had connected to each other while my mind would simple imagine things...I would encourage my mom to buy them all, off course. Our family was financially very well positioned so she actually did buy lots of them. But the best part was when she would jokingly put a bra in front of my chest just to let me get a little taste of it and crack her wonderful smile as if she could read my mind. I guess she did it after seen my eyes glitter.
I’m first born and my brother is 1.5 yr. younger than I. And then when we least expected, 10 years later: voila! My sister is born. At the age of 10ish, I pretty much had decided in my mind that I would turn into a girl one day when I could go away. But my family was great and my mom very supportive so moving away to achieve my dreams was only one part of the plan. However, I had no idea how I would do the transition in those days without Internet and information. Besides, there was no way in God’s green earth that I would ever tell my dad. He was a great man and I loved him very much. Always smiling and filling the room with joy when he arrived. He dressed up very well, was very elegant and also very amiable man with everyone. But he was also a soccer player and a black belt in Judo and JiuJitsu so 4 times a week I would go to the martial arts academy to man up. I was in fact torn between my mom’s support and my dad’s certain disappointment so I played both sides very well.
Not long after that, as my mom was taking care of my sister on her bed (I was about 11 or 12) I was there sitting by the side of the bed inconspicuously stretching my legs to touch her strappy high heels platform and little by little as she was doing her diaper thing, I managed to slip my feet into those shoes and started to help her out in her heels. As I moved to her bathroom to drop tissues on the trash can, she noticed me in her heels and for my surprise, she yelled: “What are you doing waking in my shoes boy? Do you wanna grow up to be a sissy?” I felt that cold rush through my spine and my stomach turned sower on me. I was literally in state shock and deeply embarrassed I froze not knowing what to do. My legs were cold and shaky and I just stood there and to this day I remember how different her face was…I get very emotional as I am typing this story for the first time ever because from that day forward my life changed substantially. As she turned to my sister I quietly got off the white strappy platform heels, left them there in the middle of the floor and left.
That was probably one of the saddest days in my life…I went to my bedroom ashamed and cried for hours inside my closet. In my mind, I just could not understand what had happened. My heart had sunk and my feelings were hurt so bad...That was a log afternoon as I thought she would tell my dad and I would be embarrassed once again and punished severely. I calmed down, packed up my stuff, took a deep breath and showed up downstairs to go to the martial arts academy. But still could not understand why she was so upset. Maybe she was having a bad day, I thought. Days turned into weeks, then months, then…
I actually have a theory that my mom, up until my sister was born and since I was so feminine she had projected in me the daughter she always wanted to have. Then when my sister was born, I was no longer the cute-little-girl-look-alike anymore. Now she had the real deal. As more and more that made sense I was just devastated. Never more my mom let Cynthia (her private nail technician) to paint my nails when she had her private manicure at home or even allow her to give me a 2 minute facial, and all that. Never more she would add a little of her lipstick on my lips so I could try it on and smile. Never more I would be in her bathroom while she was putting her makeup on so I could learn every move. Although I held (for a long time) the deep hope in my heart that one day she would do something or say something to me that would made me feel like her little girl, that day never came. So one day, I went into my bedroom and deleted the word Lilly, out of my secret box. Lilly was the name I had chosen for myself. That day with my mom’s heels really broke my heart…My supportive and understanding mom was gone. I was basically alone…She died three years ago and we never spoke about it. (Please see My Dream - Part II)
Growing up I was fascinated to anything that was girly and feminine. From very young age I tried my mom’s clothes and had a very feminine mind. However I was raised in a happy Italian family where those feelings were naturally suppressed so I kept them for myself while acted as a normal boy for everyone else. But my mom was the interesting person in my story. I felt that she gave me all the support I wanted and she caught me several times in her dresses, pantyhose and even doing my nails with pink soft soap during a bath. She always used to tell her girlfriends: “Look at those legs (mine)…if he was a girl he would be a knock out.” Their friends would come back and make comments on my hair or eye lashes so I was indulged and flattered. Inside, I felt great and couldn’t wait to be home alone with the servants so I could lock myself in mom’s bedroom and have a girl party with her rich wardrobe. I actually developed a very methodical memorization method so I could leave everything exactly where it was. Never missed it and to this day that serves me well…
When my mom wanted to go to the mall for shopping I always volunteered to go along while my brother would be happy to stay behind. I got to spend great time with my mom and her girlfriends and naturally dreaming over the lingerie, dresses, make up and all those wonderful heels and sandals. The visual of make up booths, the soft fragrance and the imagination of being in a chair indulged with manicure and pedicure was like Disney to me. In fact, the smell of the nail salon is still in my memory and how happy I was to be there. I just felt like one of them…
Actually I remember vividly on one occasion when my mom was trying some dresses. She brought into the changing room a couple of baby dolls, a peignoir, a dress, etc. I was sitting there like a good girl inside the changing room and would manage to touch that silky fabric and having this chill moving up my entire body as if we had connected to each other while my mind would simple imagine things...I would encourage my mom to buy them all, off course. Our family was financially very well positioned so she actually did buy lots of them. But the best part was when she would jokingly put a bra in front of my chest just to let me get a little taste of it and crack her wonderful smile as if she could read my mind. I guess she did it after seen my eyes glitter.
I’m first born and my brother is 1.5 yr. younger than I. And then when we least expected, 10 years later: voila! My sister is born. At the age of 10ish, I pretty much had decided in my mind that I would turn into a girl one day when I could go away. But my family was great and my mom very supportive so moving away to achieve my dreams was only one part of the plan. However, I had no idea how I would do the transition in those days without Internet and information. Besides, there was no way in God’s green earth that I would ever tell my dad. He was a great man and I loved him very much. Always smiling and filling the room with joy when he arrived. He dressed up very well, was very elegant and also very amiable man with everyone. But he was also a soccer player and a black belt in Judo and JiuJitsu so 4 times a week I would go to the martial arts academy to man up. I was in fact torn between my mom’s support and my dad’s certain disappointment so I played both sides very well.
Not long after that, as my mom was taking care of my sister on her bed (I was about 11 or 12) I was there sitting by the side of the bed inconspicuously stretching my legs to touch her strappy high heels platform and little by little as she was doing her diaper thing, I managed to slip my feet into those shoes and started to help her out in her heels. As I moved to her bathroom to drop tissues on the trash can, she noticed me in her heels and for my surprise, she yelled: “What are you doing waking in my shoes boy? Do you wanna grow up to be a sissy?” I felt that cold rush through my spine and my stomach turned sower on me. I was literally in state shock and deeply embarrassed I froze not knowing what to do. My legs were cold and shaky and I just stood there and to this day I remember how different her face was…I get very emotional as I am typing this story for the first time ever because from that day forward my life changed substantially. As she turned to my sister I quietly got off the white strappy platform heels, left them there in the middle of the floor and left.
That was probably one of the saddest days in my life…I went to my bedroom ashamed and cried for hours inside my closet. In my mind, I just could not understand what had happened. My heart had sunk and my feelings were hurt so bad...That was a log afternoon as I thought she would tell my dad and I would be embarrassed once again and punished severely. I calmed down, packed up my stuff, took a deep breath and showed up downstairs to go to the martial arts academy. But still could not understand why she was so upset. Maybe she was having a bad day, I thought. Days turned into weeks, then months, then…
I actually have a theory that my mom, up until my sister was born and since I was so feminine she had projected in me the daughter she always wanted to have. Then when my sister was born, I was no longer the cute-little-girl-look-alike anymore. Now she had the real deal. As more and more that made sense I was just devastated. Never more my mom let Cynthia (her private nail technician) to paint my nails when she had her private manicure at home or even allow her to give me a 2 minute facial, and all that. Never more she would add a little of her lipstick on my lips so I could try it on and smile. Never more I would be in her bathroom while she was putting her makeup on so I could learn every move. Although I held (for a long time) the deep hope in my heart that one day she would do something or say something to me that would made me feel like her little girl, that day never came. So one day, I went into my bedroom and deleted the word Lilly, out of my secret box. Lilly was the name I had chosen for myself. That day with my mom’s heels really broke my heart…My supportive and understanding mom was gone. I was basically alone…She died three years ago and we never spoke about it. (Please see My Dream - Part II)