06-30-2016, 06:40 PM
Oh My Josie... oh and HELLO! 
Let me begin my reply to you... and to anyone else who may be interested in these things... DITTO Colleen.
Okay, having said that... hmmm about myself personally.
1. Yes, I have since about age 8-9, I have known that I was 'different'. I am now 65 yrs young.
2. Yes, I feel 'trapped' or in the wrong body.
3. I have been dressing privately first with what I could get my hands on... mother's under garments and others as opportunity presented itself. As I got older it began to feel 'creepy' to do this with someone else's clothes. So as I got older I began to find ways to buy a very limited undergarments wardrobe. I currently only have 3 dresses and an assortment of undergarments and accessories that I currently wear when I am able to go out in fem.
4. What has made it possible for me, after so many years and still in the closet, is that I am primarily attracted to the female anatomy. Thus when I got my now wife pregnant it wasn't to hard to keep Nicole concealed. I simply imagined that I was her and did to her those things that I imagined I would enjoy if I were her. But for me, as I get older the need for Nicole time has increased dramatically.
5. As Colleen mentioned... there are a number of other factors that has kept me from persuing becoming Nicole permanently. I would guess the biggest would be the fear of disclosure and how it might affect my family... not just wife and kids... but parents... both are still alive and my other cousins. I generally consider myself to be heterosexual as I stated before... I prefer the nice soft curvey shape of the female anatomy. But make no mistake, when I am in Nicole mode I am just as likely to be attracted to a male and especially another trans girl.
6. Currently my eldest child, a daughter, knows and accepts Nicole. Also, so does my closest friend... who I have known was gay since 1998 or so... but I was afraid to tell him until about 2 years ago about who/what I am.
7. Am I unhappy... hmmm tough one... no not really as I wouldn't trade off the kids to have become Nicole way back 40 years ago. However, I am disappointed in myself for not having had the courage all those years ago to have opened myself up back then. I did seek professional counseling all those years ago and it was quite enlightening, I must say. It has allowed my to accept me for who/what I am. Had I continued down that road... and not have gotten my then girlfriend pregnant... I feel that I likely would have come to terms and made the hard decision... at least that is what I tell myself.
8 Coming clean... hmmm likely I have 'come clean' with those that already know... in addition to my daughter and friend, there are a few more that know. Plus those that I interact with in my local LGBT group.
9. Likely I will have to come clean as I do need more Nicole time. This causes me to become more daring and likely I will be discovered and then be forced to come out. At least that likely will be my only path as I just do not seem to have the courage to do it on my own.
10. Experiences... ah, that is the highlight of my Nicole existence. I am an IT contractor by trade. As such, I have found myself working out of town for extended periods of time. This has been when Nicole ruled my existence! 
I was in Austin TX a number of years ago and was essentially adopted by the boutique owner and several of the 'girls' as then became aware that I was on my own and from out of town. GAWD I was in heaven. When I wasn't at work I was Nicole and I was hanging to the wee hours most evenings and every Friday/Saturday/Sunday with my 'girls'. I learned how to talk/walk/express/sit/stand/etc from a very nice bunch of girls that I sorely do miss. I was able to essentially do a repeat sometime after this Texas period, in Columbia South Carolina. Again... it was heaven. Unfortunately the wife came down with Lupus and I was forced to come home and to get a 'regular' job with benefits/etc. so that she would be able to quite work to take care of herself. So the feeling for me to describe all of this is adequately summed up as feeling 'trapped' by choice. Getting what I can of Nicole time is what keeps me sane and able to exist.
Okay Josie, that is about all I can think of that may address your questions. I know, I have opened up a door here for questions/discussion. Please feel free to ask me anything. If you feel that what you have to ask might be to personal in a public forum, feel free to pm me. I will gladly share with you what I can... with the condition that you know I am in no way any kind of a professional advice giver. For that I would strongly recommend to you to seek out a local LGBT or PFLAG group and participate in their monthly get togethers.
Nicole
Let me begin my reply to you... and to anyone else who may be interested in these things... DITTO Colleen.
Okay, having said that... hmmm about myself personally.
1. Yes, I have since about age 8-9, I have known that I was 'different'. I am now 65 yrs young.
2. Yes, I feel 'trapped' or in the wrong body.
3. I have been dressing privately first with what I could get my hands on... mother's under garments and others as opportunity presented itself. As I got older it began to feel 'creepy' to do this with someone else's clothes. So as I got older I began to find ways to buy a very limited undergarments wardrobe. I currently only have 3 dresses and an assortment of undergarments and accessories that I currently wear when I am able to go out in fem.
4. What has made it possible for me, after so many years and still in the closet, is that I am primarily attracted to the female anatomy. Thus when I got my now wife pregnant it wasn't to hard to keep Nicole concealed. I simply imagined that I was her and did to her those things that I imagined I would enjoy if I were her. But for me, as I get older the need for Nicole time has increased dramatically.
5. As Colleen mentioned... there are a number of other factors that has kept me from persuing becoming Nicole permanently. I would guess the biggest would be the fear of disclosure and how it might affect my family... not just wife and kids... but parents... both are still alive and my other cousins. I generally consider myself to be heterosexual as I stated before... I prefer the nice soft curvey shape of the female anatomy. But make no mistake, when I am in Nicole mode I am just as likely to be attracted to a male and especially another trans girl.
6. Currently my eldest child, a daughter, knows and accepts Nicole. Also, so does my closest friend... who I have known was gay since 1998 or so... but I was afraid to tell him until about 2 years ago about who/what I am.
7. Am I unhappy... hmmm tough one... no not really as I wouldn't trade off the kids to have become Nicole way back 40 years ago. However, I am disappointed in myself for not having had the courage all those years ago to have opened myself up back then. I did seek professional counseling all those years ago and it was quite enlightening, I must say. It has allowed my to accept me for who/what I am. Had I continued down that road... and not have gotten my then girlfriend pregnant... I feel that I likely would have come to terms and made the hard decision... at least that is what I tell myself.
8 Coming clean... hmmm likely I have 'come clean' with those that already know... in addition to my daughter and friend, there are a few more that know. Plus those that I interact with in my local LGBT group.
9. Likely I will have to come clean as I do need more Nicole time. This causes me to become more daring and likely I will be discovered and then be forced to come out. At least that likely will be my only path as I just do not seem to have the courage to do it on my own.
10. Experiences... ah, that is the highlight of my Nicole existence. I am an IT contractor by trade. As such, I have found myself working out of town for extended periods of time. This has been when Nicole ruled my existence!
I was in Austin TX a number of years ago and was essentially adopted by the boutique owner and several of the 'girls' as then became aware that I was on my own and from out of town. GAWD I was in heaven. When I wasn't at work I was Nicole and I was hanging to the wee hours most evenings and every Friday/Saturday/Sunday with my 'girls'. I learned how to talk/walk/express/sit/stand/etc from a very nice bunch of girls that I sorely do miss. I was able to essentially do a repeat sometime after this Texas period, in Columbia South Carolina. Again... it was heaven. Unfortunately the wife came down with Lupus and I was forced to come home and to get a 'regular' job with benefits/etc. so that she would be able to quite work to take care of herself. So the feeling for me to describe all of this is adequately summed up as feeling 'trapped' by choice. Getting what I can of Nicole time is what keeps me sane and able to exist.Okay Josie, that is about all I can think of that may address your questions. I know, I have opened up a door here for questions/discussion. Please feel free to ask me anything. If you feel that what you have to ask might be to personal in a public forum, feel free to pm me. I will gladly share with you what I can... with the condition that you know I am in no way any kind of a professional advice giver. For that I would strongly recommend to you to seek out a local LGBT or PFLAG group and participate in their monthly get togethers.
Nicole