Self-acceptance

[Raquel Botas]

Hi. I'm still 99% in the closet about my femme side.
It was hard enough for myself to accept me, so I'm not sure how those around me will react to my secret.
I don't know how to tell my girlfriend that i desire to wear sexy dresses, heels, and makeup. I know she loves me, and i even believe that she would be fine with everything, but i also feel like maybe Raquel and my girlfriend are not as compatible as i am with my girlfriend... like i don't want them to meet. I don't really want that outside influence concerning how i do my makeup or hair. Maybe when i dress as Raquel I'm even more independent and bitchy than my male self, and i don't want to nurture another girl.
Is there a way to keep these two worlds from colliding?

I don't know if I've changed, or what's changing. But i am growing tired of fighting it. It feels so good to do what i want... but, in secret
The more i accept my femme side and imagine living as a woman, the more time i want to spend as Raquel, doing things that she enjoys and improving her.
So i can only be THIS MYSELF in secret. That is hard. And i feel ashamed to be so scared of others' small-minded opinions and judgements.
i love reading about Janet's experiences, and the other girls' journeys to femininity. Knowing that others go through some of these feelings is what inspires me to continue imagining who i truly desire to be.
I fantasize about what my first time dressed-up and going out could be like. I really want to make that happen. What a thrill to just dive in one night.

[boots66]

Hi, Raquel. You're in the same quandary many of us find ourselves in. I am 100% closeted, and have no doubt that, if my wife ever found out, my marriage would be over. We love each other very much, but I know her boundaries. In my case, I couldn't blame her because I am a late bloomer. Found out I love doing this after being married for 20 years. In my case, I still enjoy being a man, too, and, for me, find the two totally compatible. When I dress, it is more of a time out for me, a mini vacation, I guess. But I do it in the privacy of my house, or a hotel room and never involve anyone else. It is absolutely the fear of being "outed" that keeps me there. There are many on here that could probably offer better advice about coming out to a loved one, as I have decided how I will make this work for me. Please, never feel ashamed of being scared. Fear is a natural reaction, that can be used in a positive way. Don't let it control you, but respect it's advice. As far as what others may think, you may wish to reflect on who's opinions really matter to you. When I was younger, like back in high school, I was always worried about what ANYONE thought. I found that, as I get older, I am better able to weed out the people who's opinions and comments mean nothing. You're at a crossroads. I wish you the best of luck.

[Bernice]

I was in the closet for 60 years because my late wife did not approve of my wearing anything feminine. I went years at a time not dressing because I truly loved my wife and could not imagine life without her, After the kids grew up and my wife and I were working different hours I had a little more time to dress as Bernice it was great. Then we decided to retire and go fulltime RVing. I had to totally purge Bernice and all her things, because there was no room in a 400 sq ft RV to hide any of Bernice's things. My beautiful wife passed away last June and it only took a few weeks for Bernice to reemerge in my brain, so here I am Bernice when I am alone in my RV and as a male when I am around family and long time friends that don't know about Bernice.
I know this doesn't answer your question about outing your self to your lady, but I hope it shows that you are not alone.
Best wishes and hugs,
Bernice

[CanuckGirl]

Raquel;
I'm with you quite a bit on this. The biggest difference in my life is my wife accepts my femme side. That said, I do feel the feminine side growing stronger, which seems to be what happens in all of us. We are all conditioned to beleive that this is wrong and bad, and it is tough thing to believe and accept ourselves as having a feminine side who wants to express themselves.

Though my wife is accepting of Amy, she doesn't want to see me dressed up every day, so I hold back in deference to her feelings.

Right now I have a reasonable balance between my male and female lives, but OMG sometimes the urge to just be femme most of the time can be so strong, it's almost scary.

I know so many of us hide for fear of rejection by our wife's or SO's, but it is so much better not to. Though it is a risky proposition hiding, and then having her find your stash some day.
One thing some have done is watch something Drag Race, or a similar crossdressed themed show or movie and see what the reaction is. Of course things can be different when the person in question is close to you. Some women can accept their man having a definite femme side, others cannot in any shape or form.
Not sure I'm helping you much here! But these are a few of my thoughts.

[scorpiodelirium]

I've found myself here after many years of being locked in a very secure closet. When I was a young child I would wear my mothers pantyhose and put on her makeup, badly. Of course I was very careful to cover my tracks and never got caught as I knew it was tab boo. When I was 10 or 11 I came out to my mom and told her I felt like I should be a girl. I never felt secure or right in my male body. Of course she freaked out and sent me to a Christian counselor. He asked me what could help me feel more masculine and I told him "maybe if I had more muscles". Of course I knew that they were looking at me like a sinner and a freak and I was bullshitting them which has always been a skill that has gotten me through many difficult situations in life. He got me a gym membership in the next town over, as we lived in a little Podunk town here in Washington and I had to take a 45 minute bus ride to get there. The first time I went I checked out all the exercise equipment. It was cool but then I found the pool. It was fashioned after a Roman bath house statues and all. I spent most of my time there, swimming and admiring the statues of the Roman women. I went back a few times and eventually just stopped. I never spoke to anyone about how I felt out of place in my own body. I lived the life of a teenage rocker boy and later man. Grew my hair out and wore leather and spikes. She, my mother, probably thought it was "cured" and never spoke of it again.

Now I'm 45. My mother has gone back to her roots of paganism and witchcraft and I have forgiven her 100%. I am still in the closet. My daughter and my roommates would probably accept me as I am but there is still the fear.

A few days ago I ordered a latex breast vest and vagina shorts. I am also hiding it from my roommates, which is going to be difficult. I am enjoying my new breasts especially. I can't keep my hands off them. I am looking at Amazon for clothes that no one will ever see. I don't feel comfortable going out in public like this because I have seen first hand what can happen to people like me, us. I feel uncomfortable sharing this with anyone and am thankful for the anonymity of the internet so I can get this out. Most people just see me as a laid back guy. If they only knew.

[boots66]

I've found myself here after many years of being locked in a very secure closet. When I was a young child I would wear my mothers pantyhose and put on her makeup, badly. Of course I was very careful to cover my tracks and never got caught as I knew it was tab boo. When I was 10 or 11 I came out to my mom and told her I felt like I should be a girl. I never felt secure or right in my male body. Of course she freaked out and sent me to a Christian counselor. He asked me what could help me feel more masculine and I told him "maybe if I had more muscles". Of course I knew that they were looking at me like a sinner and a freak and I was bullshitting them which has always been a skill that has gotten me through many difficult situations in life. He got me a gym membership in the next town over, as we lived in a little Podunk town here in Washington and I had to take a 45 minute bus ride to get there. The first time I went I checked out all the exercise equipment. It was cool but then I found the pool. It was fashioned after a Roman bath house statues and all. I spent most of my time there, swimming and admiring the statues of the Roman women. I went back a few times and eventually just stopped. I never spoke to anyone about how I felt out of place in my own body. I lived the life of a teenage rocker boy and later man. Grew my hair out and wore leather and spikes. She, my mother, probably thought it was "cured" and never spoke of it again.

Now I'm 45. My mother has gone back to her roots of paganism and witchcraft and I have forgiven her 100%. I am still in the closet. My daughter and my roommates would probably accept me as I am but there is still the fear.

A few days ago I ordered a latex breast vest and vagina shorts. I am also hiding it from my roommates, which is going to be difficult. I am enjoying my new breasts especially. I can't keep my hands off them. I am looking at Amazon for clothes that no one will ever see. I don't feel comfortable going out in public like this because I have seen first hand what can happen to people like me, us. I feel uncomfortable sharing this with anyone and am thankful for the anonymity of the internet so I can get this out. Most people just see me as a laid back guy. If they only knew.

Welcome to the forum scorpiodelirium.  You face the conundrum many of us on here do...to tell or not to tell.  I am also very closeted.  There are many on here that can probably offer better advice than I about coming out as I have decided I will remain closeted.  In my case, I have no wish to transition.  We are glad you are here, and you are welcome to share your thoughts, opinions, fears, etc.  Being alone is the toughest thing there is.  You are not alone.  There is an old axiom that when a door closes, another opens.  If you feel your roommates may accept you, it may be a good place to start.  I wish you all the best.

[Licktysplit]

I feel your pain and understand completely how you feel back when I was living with my ex gf she not only accepted my crossdressing but embraced it and encouraged me to be who I wanted to be when I wanted to. I had an extreme advantage with her being a formal professional makeup artist who helped transform me into a more than passable actually a very hot looking female.When we would go out yes I got a lot of attention but it was warranted and well deserved. Fast forward to my current wife who when I brought the subject up and wearing ladies bras and panties during sex because we saw it in a video we were watching, she wasn't very receptive to the idea and first agreed to me wearing panties only but for me it wasn't enough. She agreed to me wearing anything I wanted but she didn't want to be a part of it so in other words when I was alone I could dress fem but half the fun is being with an accepting partner like my ex gf and I enjoyed. Then our life took an extreme left turn when my wife explored her deep seated repressed desire to be with a woman, well she is now happily bisexual and it has brought on a whole new dimension to our sex and home life. She brought the subject up of me dressing up and being part of a threesome with her and her girlfriend. I willingly accepted and the two of them enjoyed helping me with my hair and make up etc. so I was now free to be a woman once again, the sex I truly believe I was born to be. She has done a complete 180 degree turn around and we even went to a Halloween party with me fully dressed as a woman we have also enjoyed the excitement of being out in public in certain club venues etc.
So never say never now to my suggestion, casually bring it up or if you two enjoy watching porn perhaps pick one with a crossdresser or shemale in the plot and see what her reaction is, you know her and what her comfort level is when it comes to broaching the subject. If she is not totally turned off by it then casually bring it up and take it a step further. I had a gf that one afternoon after having some really good sex she wanted to go get something to eat and asked me to hand her her bra, I took the opportunity to goof around and held it up to my man boobs flirting with her saying how do I look I think I could rock this, she laughed and said I bet you can come here lets see and she had me put my arms through the straps and she hooked me up, I never fully dressed fem for her but wearing bras and panties became part of our sex life. Its all finding the right way to bring up the subject. Good luck go slow and be patient