12-31-2018, 04:48 PM
Having finished Jan Morris’ book and had time to think, I want to address my melodramatic post of 12/24 (Drama queen!): One of my favorite lines from the movies is (paraphrasing): “I’ve come a long way on a twisted road to get to where I am now. I am not going back.” (Joe vs. the Volcano). It would take hours to talk it out, where I’ve been and how I got to now. Extramarital sexual activity has oscillated from hetero to homo, and, since menopause, has been a solo activity since menopause, mostly, but not exclusively facilitated with internet porn. The latest iteration focused on shemales, and I decided on a fantasy life of a closeted shemale. I don’t know what led me to reopen and reread Harvey Mansfield’s book “Manliness”. The book was written primarily as a study of the politicization of gender issues, but really takes a thorough look at male and female characteristics. Anyway, the closeted shemale shtick led me to Janet’s Closet.
JenniferIN’s post about living a lie surfaced a memory of Jan Morris’s book, which I finished a few days ago. Morris was and is quite a free spirit and my life circumstances are very much different than hers were. But the personality characteristics, the untutored attitudes and actions are dead on for me. So many things in my life, many before the age of knowing about sex, make sense under the guidance of Morris’ narrative. I grew up a Roman Catholic in days of sharp distinctions between male and female behavior, persisting well into my 30’s and learned to repress every “non-normal” impulse, habitual behavior that has persisted a long time. If the truest impulses are repressed, compensating evasions will take their place. Twice I had opportunities to have sex with men, and bailed at the last minute. Once an affair with an attractive man, a university professor was open to me, and I kindly refused. I also had a wide open opportunity for an affair with a woman in business, upon which I also bailed. After many years of research and consultations, Morris distinguishes carefully between homosexuals, transvestites and what was a new category at the time she transitioned, transsexuals. Things make sense to me now.
Morris’ book did create a feeling of crisis in me because it sweetly and gently outlines exactly what I am, shorn of all repression and evasion. The idea of dressing seemed fun and generated some sexual excitement, so hey, pursue it while it’s fun and exciting. Now it takes a turn. So what do I do now?
I’ve thought about little else since my melodramatic post of the other day. My weight loss program is on target. I have a fairly detailed plan to transform myself in all the subtle ways that will be significant, but not obvious or obtrusive, gained as gradually as the weight loss occurs. Then, assess my condition and look to arrange a Transformation at Janet’s if the prospect is reasonable. Then make further decisions from that point.
So call me a girl on this forum, even if an old girl.
Stacia
JenniferIN’s post about living a lie surfaced a memory of Jan Morris’s book, which I finished a few days ago. Morris was and is quite a free spirit and my life circumstances are very much different than hers were. But the personality characteristics, the untutored attitudes and actions are dead on for me. So many things in my life, many before the age of knowing about sex, make sense under the guidance of Morris’ narrative. I grew up a Roman Catholic in days of sharp distinctions between male and female behavior, persisting well into my 30’s and learned to repress every “non-normal” impulse, habitual behavior that has persisted a long time. If the truest impulses are repressed, compensating evasions will take their place. Twice I had opportunities to have sex with men, and bailed at the last minute. Once an affair with an attractive man, a university professor was open to me, and I kindly refused. I also had a wide open opportunity for an affair with a woman in business, upon which I also bailed. After many years of research and consultations, Morris distinguishes carefully between homosexuals, transvestites and what was a new category at the time she transitioned, transsexuals. Things make sense to me now.
Morris’ book did create a feeling of crisis in me because it sweetly and gently outlines exactly what I am, shorn of all repression and evasion. The idea of dressing seemed fun and generated some sexual excitement, so hey, pursue it while it’s fun and exciting. Now it takes a turn. So what do I do now?
I’ve thought about little else since my melodramatic post of the other day. My weight loss program is on target. I have a fairly detailed plan to transform myself in all the subtle ways that will be significant, but not obvious or obtrusive, gained as gradually as the weight loss occurs. Then, assess my condition and look to arrange a Transformation at Janet’s if the prospect is reasonable. Then make further decisions from that point.
So call me a girl on this forum, even if an old girl.
Stacia
