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How do I continue to live a lie? WARNING - This is not very uplifting..........
“Just be yourself!!”

“Just be you and everything else does not matter.”

“Just make yourself happy.”

I have heard that for so many years from so many people and I don’t think people really realize what they are telling you to do.  Sometimes, being yourself can totally disrupt their lives.  Today…….I want to BE myself and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that “I WANT TO BE JENNIFER!!”  There…I said it.  I have never said these words in public and this is the closest I am willing to go in public…at least at this point.

I want to be a woman.  I want to live life as a woman.  But how can I?  How can I take the risk of hurting so many people that I love….both friends and family?  How does one decide to risk alienating yourself from the people that love and support you….supposedly??  How does one choose to risk being alone?

I was walking around my house today, en femme of course, and at one point I stopped and said to myself…I should have been born a girl.  Life would have been so much easier for me.  But I will never be a girl…not really.  Even if I have surgery to change my external appearance, I will never be a genetic girl……   But sometimes I so badly want it…to be magically transformed into a real woman…if only for a little while.

Why do I have these feelings?  What cosmic force in the universe decides that these particular people will be born and have feelings like these?  I obviously am not the only one or there wouldn’t be this website and others out there.  Why does this happen so much?  There are so many things to deal with in this world, why are we having to struggle with what gender our mind tells us we are and what gender our bodies show us we are?!?!?

I wish I had the answer for that.  I wish I could change something in my life.

Maybe I am just too far down the road of life to change course now.  Maybe if I had talked about this when I was younger, I could have changed the direction of my life.  But my life now affects too many people and to change direction at this stage would cause so much pain….. and so much heartache for so many people that I care about.  How can I do that to them?……..I am not willing to do that…….but….. I still struggle so much with being male.  Hence the dilemma.

I admire those who figured this out and I admire those who have the courage to chose life on their terms.  I wish I had that courage.  I wish I had made some different choices when I was younger……….I wish I was born a girl…………  But what has wishing ever gotten anyone?

Everyone’s circumstances are different and I understand that.  For me and the circumstances that surround my life, I guess I will continue to live a lie…if nothing else to protect the people I love.
Jennifer  Heart  

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How do I continue to live a lie? WARNING - This is not very uplifting.......... - by JenniferIN - 06-24-2018, 06:56 PM

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